George Allen's Reign Of Mail Terror

Today in the mail I received a letter outlining yet another outrage against the U.S. Postal Service by Sen. George Allen. This time leveled by his own sister, Jennifer Allen!

Just a warning, the following is not to be read by those of sensitive constitutions. (This means you, Ma)

In a recently published book, “Fifth Quarter: The Scrimmage of a Football Coach's Daughter” (buy it here and have it delivered by U.S. Mail in as little as three days.), Jennifer wites of a neighbor’s mailbox saying it

“lay smashed in the street, a casualty of my brothers' drive-by to school in the morning. George would swerve his Mach II Mustang while Gregory held a baseball bat out the window to clear the mailbox off its post. . . .”

And as if this weren’t bad enough:

“the Packers fan had resorted to stapling a Kleenex box to the mailbox post to receive his mail. George's red Mustang screeched up beside us, the Packers fan's Kleenex mailbox speared on the antenna.”

Even when the neighbor was forced to use a wholly unapproved mail receptacle, George Allen still refused to stop his tide of violence against the sacred and ancient service of letter delivery.

As the evidence mounts, will no authority act to stem this tide of mailbox terrorism?

The Mailbag

Again, anything worth writing is worth mailing, but this comment was found on the TNR blog

It's a little known fact there Nohmy, that deer heads in mailboxes were used by the Mesopotamian Aztecs as a way to welcome newcomers to the village. They would say "Macaca," (meaning "friend"), "Welcome to the Real Mesopotamia." This ritual was practiced even by the newcomer speaking to the one who was born on that land.

Of course due to the unusual shape of the Mesopotamian Aztec Deer's esophagus, even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word macaca. That is exactly what made it ideal for stuffing in mailboxes.

More Evidence of Mail Crimes by Allen

I love the New Republican and can hardly wait for it to arrive in my mailbox each month. Today, somebody alerted me to their online blog. In general I don't approve of the concept, anything worth writing is worth mailing if you ask me, but they have uncovered more shocking evidence of Sen. George Allen's hateful crimes against the United States Postal System.

As I pointed out yesterday, the law is very clear about what our society thinks of postal vandals:

Mailboxes are considered federal property, and federal law (Title 18, United States Code, Section 1705), makes it a crime to vandalize them (or to injure, deface or destroy any mail deposited in them). Violators can be fined up to $250,000, or imprisoned for up to three years, for each act of vandalism.

Now theres another witness:

A former college classmate of George Allen and Ken Shelton, the North Carolina radiologist who says Allen regularly used the N-word in the 1970s and once stuck the head of a deer in the mailbox of a black family, has come forward to corroborate one of Shelton's accusations.

"Some time drinking a beer at U Heights," Beam says, referring to the campus housing complex where Beam, Lanahan, and Allen all lived, "Lanahan told me they went hunting and killed a deer. All I know is they cut off a deer head and stuck it in someone's mailbox.

This mailbox belonged to you and me ... the federal taxpayer ... and frankly I don't like it when people go around sticking severed heads in my slot.

If you want to write George Allen and tell him how angry you are, and where else he might be able to stick his head, send a letter to:

THE HONORABLE GEORGE ALLEN
204 RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING
WASHINGTON DC 20510

UPDATE: The magazine is actually called "The New Republic," not the New Republican. An apology will go out in tomorrow's mail.

UPDATED UPDATE: Best news of the day is that "The New Republic" is mailed out every week. I love those guys.

George Allen is Prejudiced ...

against the U.S. mail ...

The more you read about Sen. George Allen, the more you reach a plain, inescapable conclusion.

George Allen hates the U.S. Mail.

Mailboxes are considered federal property, and federal law (Title 18, United States Code, Section 1705), makes it a crime to vandalize them (or to injure, deface or destroy any mail deposited in them). Violators can be fined up to $250,000, or imprisoned for up to three years, for each act of vandalism.

But does that stop George Allen?

Nooooo

According to recent reports, George Allen vandalized a mailbox and possibly endangered the mail inside.

Dr. Ken Shelton, a radiologist who was a tight end and wide receiver for the University of Virginia in the early 1970s when Allen was quarterback. He said Allen not only used the n-word frequently but also once stuffed a severed deer head into a black family's mailbox.

Clearly this action was meant to intimidate and strike fear into innocent people. Like letter carriers. And it may have violated the family's sacred right to their mail, regardless of rain, slow, sleet etc. Allen caused dire fright to Mr McFeeley, the Black family’s longtime letter carrier. From his home in Pipestem, WV, McFeeley said:

It was a cool fall day, and I was just going about my business, when I round the corner and see a big ol’ severed deer head in the mailbox. Now I’ve seen a lot of things on my mail route, and even delivered some of ‘em. But I aint never seen nothing like that before. Dang near scared the bejeesus out of me. Of course I called the Postal Inspectors right away. And you better belive I kept a keen lookout for the rest of the deer. There’s an old legend of the headless horseman and now, to this day on cool, fall, misty mornings, you can hear the distant hoofbeats of the headless buck.

Upon hearing that the deer head was stuffed into the mailbox by Senator Allen as a prank, McFeeley fell silent for quite some time, then spat off his porch and murmured under his breath “what a jackass.”

UPDATE: The first version of this post referred to the family as "the Black family." In fact, news reports say that the severed head was stuffed into the mailbox of an African American family (a black family.) This of course, explains the relevance of the "n-" word , which stumped this blogger. When informed of the actual situation Letter Carrier McFeeley was heard to say, "what a racist jackass."